Three Observations about Complementary Relationships
Notes from Kathy Kram's Mentoring at Work
At the end of the month I will be interviewing Kathy Kram, one of the most influential thinkers on the topic of mentorship in the workplace over the last 40 or so years, for the Flourishing in the World podcast. Part of my preparation is re-reading her groundbreaking book, Mentoring at Work.
One of the things I love about the academic field of management is the way management scholars borrow promiscuously from every other field of social science. Management scholars take from psychology, sociology, economics, and in the case of Kram’s work, human development. The subtitle of this book is in fact, “Developmental Relationships in Organizational Life”, so that gives away her theoretical lens. In the book she explores the concept of mentorship as a developmental relationship, and how those relationships form, grow, change, and end in the context of organizational life, but also in the context of individuals and their own life-course. It’s an academic book, but it is fascinating and you learn a lot about what people need and how that changes as they go through their work and personal lives.
I want to share one bit from the book which I intend to talk with Kram about (and maybe get you interested in listening). On pages 101-104 she talks about the concept of “complementary relationships”. A complementary relationship is one in which the “relationship responds to the concerns of both individuals… Complementarity suggests the opportunity to complete oneself.” In this section of the book, Kram lays out three observations about developmental relationships. First, Kram argues that “all developmental relationships begin as complementary relationships.” A mentoring relationship, according to Kram, is a developmental relationship. The mentor and protégé enter the mentoring relationship because the relationship promises to give each of them something. The protégé needs advice, guidance, sponsorship, counsel, and support. The protégé is attempting to become something - in the case of this book, it is usually an early careerist who is seeking to move into managerial ranks, but it could be really any effort to develop into something more than one currently is. The mentor offers these things to the protégé because taking on this role fulfills both psychological and professional needs for the mentor. Professionally, when a protégé is successful, people recognize the mentor for helping create human capital in the organization. This raises the professional status of the mentor. But also as we progress through our careers, most people find meaning in helping younger people become successful, especially if we look back and remember being helped by someone when we were early in our career. Having someone look to us as a font of wisdom confirms our competence as well as provides a sense of connection.
The second point Kram makes in this section is that “relationship complementarity exists for a limited period of time”. This part of Kram’s theory always made me a little sad. She argues throughout the book that there is a natural sequence to mentoring relationships - that they are initiated, cultivated, and then eventually end in separation. Sometimes the relationship is successfully redefined into a friendship or peer relationship; sometimes it collapses into animosity. The logic of this cycle comes from both internal factors in the relationship and environmental factors that act on the relationship. With enough time, the protégé eventually has learned most of what s/he can learn from her/his mentor. Especially at the beginning of a mentoring relationship with an early careerist, the early careerist has so much to learn that the mentor can add a lot of value almost constantly. As the early careerist progresses in experience, the mentor can still offer value, but the value is more subtle and probably of less impact. The protégé eventually comes to see that the mentor isn’t a superhero and doesn’t know everything, and maybe even comes to see the mentor’s weaknesses. As the protégé develops her/his own abilities and standing, s/he comes to rely on the mentor less, which is less satisfying for the mentor. The mentor’s own career development or personal life may also take a turn. Even as the protégé comes to rely less on the mentor, the mentor may have changes at home that leave the mentor with less available time for the protégé. Furthermore, external factors such as reassignments, reorganizations, or lay-offs of either the protégé or mentor may force a separation before the relationship has run its natural course. This is what I experienced in the Army. In the Army we were forced to move every two to three years, so if you found a mentor, you rarely were in a relationship long enough to learn everything you could from that person before the Army sent you or your mentor on their way to their next duty assignment.
On the plus side, Kram argues her third point, that “individuals can experience complementarity in several relationships simultaneously.” It is of course possible to have relationships with multiple senior people who perform some part of the mentoring functions (if you are lucky). You can also have complementary and even developmental relationships with peers. Peers can provide coaching (such as honest performance feedback), and can provide psycho-social support to help you weather the normal ups and downs of worklife. It’s good to have more than one developmental relationship at any time because of the fact that relationships sometimes come to a premature end due to external factors - or, as the saying goes, one should not put all of one’s eggs in one basket.
Kram also makes a note that it is important for individuals to continuously scan the organizational landscape for opportunities to build developmental relationships. Kram notes, “Too often… young managers wait for good relationships to ‘happen to them.’ they fail to recognize what they have to offer to other as well as how to initiate a relationship with a potential mentor.” I tell my students this all the time: you make your own luck. You make your own luck by being open to opportunities to connect with other people, whether for a developmental relationship or any other kind of complementary relationship.
So those were the three points I wanted to highlight: developmental relationships begin as complementary relationships; relationship complementarity naturally runs its course; and we can have more than one complementary relationship at a time. There is a lot more to the book and to Kram’s work. Her latest work has been around peer coaching. I look forward to talking with her about that, too. Having good relationships is a form of magic. It enhances our lives in all three elements of meaning (connection, competence, contribution).
I’m looking forward to the interview! I hope this short review interests you in Kram’s work and my upcoming interview with her.