Greetings from the empty nest
regular programming will resume next week
It was my intention to finish my series on Adam Smith’s three justices this weekend, but time got away from me. The reason, other than poor planning on my part, was that we moved my youngest daughter (Daughter #3) out of the house and into her own apartment on Sunday (a third floor walk-up), and by the time I returned, I was too exhausted to write. Also maybe a little emotional. The wife and I are now officially empty nesters. With Daughter #1 having been born in 1996, we have had children under our roof for some 27 years. And now we do not.
Having the last child move out is the end of a part of the obligation we undertook when we became parents, the practical, concrete part: providing shelter, food, clothing. Of course they will never escape the other part, our giving them excellent, unasked-for advice. Also lots of ongoing love and support, even if from a distance.
As childhood ends here at the Last Homely House, I give myself a solid “C” for my parenting. There is no grade inflation in the parenting world, unlike high school and college, where we have adopted the philosophy of Lake Wobegon (“all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average"). Most people deserve a C, because a C is perfectly average, and perfectly fine. I imagined I would be much better: more patient, more loving, more present, more everything for them. But parenting is, by far, the hardest thing. The blessings of parenting come from the all-encompassing nature of the obligation, and from the fact that it is so hard. You cannot just walk away when it gets difficult. I was just reading David Brooks’ book, The Second Mountain, he addressed this point:
When you ask people what experience made them the person they are, they never say, “I really was a shallow and selfish jerk until I went on that amazing vacation in Hawaii.” No, people usually talk about moments of difficulty, struggle.
The experience of parenting is transformative and growth-inducing. And it wasn’t all struggle. My kids gave me a lot of joy, too. Luckily, unlike my C performance, in my estimation my wife deserves a solid A. Not only did she parent our children exceptionally well, but she helped me be a better parent, too. Our kids were very lucky to have her.
I think people have children for many reasons. For me, it was always about this moment. I remember taking Daughter #1 home from the hospital and imagining our job was to prepare her to launch, like a rocket breaking free of our gravity, to go out and explore places we have never been and will never go. Really, my secret goal was to raise my children to be better versions of me, people who were smarter, braver, stronger, so that they could go out into the world and occasionally report back on what they had learned. So far, in that sense, I feel like a success as a parent. I’m proud of what all my children are doing with their lives, even at this early stage. Though whatever success I have had on that front was mostly due to the single choice I made many years ago in picking their mother (and her tolerating me), and the fact that they are not just better versions of me, but better versions of us.
Now my wife and I move into the next stage of our lives, the post-child raising period. That is exciting to me. We can bang pots and pans in the morning and speak at full volume without worrying about waking someone up. We don’t have to think about anyone’s food preferences for dinner except our own. But it is strange to see all the bedroom doors closed, not because a child is in there, sleeping, but because the rooms are empty.
OK - see you Wednesday for the Linkletter, and we’ll return you to your regularly scheduled program next Sunday when I plan to wrap up the justice series. As usual, willing good for all of you!