de Tocqueville and the 5 people
connection matters
The KWBJJ 5:30 AM Bruisers on Thanksgiving 2024
The 19th century French thinker Alexis de Tocqueville visited the United States in the 1830’s and later wrote Democracy in America, an examination of the political culture of an America coming into itself. He was fascinated by our tendency to come together and do things as a group (a voluntary association). Here is a passage where he expresses his fascination:
Americans of all ages, all conditions, all minds constantly unite. Not only do they have commercial and industrial associations in which all take part, but they also have a thousand other kinds: religious, moral, grave, futile, very general and very particular, immense and very small; Americans use associations to give fêtes, to found seminaries, to build inns, to raise churches, to distribute books, to send missionaries to the antipodes; in this manner they create hospitals, prisons, schools.
Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America, Book II, Ch. 5
De Tocqueville was particularly interested in political associations, but you can see from the above quote that he was fascinated with our tendency to join groups, and to pursue goals in a group. He was also interested in how any one person tended to belong to many overlapping groups.
On Thanksgiving, TLW and I went down south of the border (to Massachusetts) to spend the day with her brother and the rest of our family from her side. It was a lovely day. The following day we stayed local and spent the afternoon with my father and his wife, and my daughters, for a second Thanksgiving. Second Thanksgiving featured this fabulous Guinness Chocolate Cake with Irish Buttercream, so it was not really Second, except in time.
(gratuitous chocolate cake pic)
TLW, my children, and I belong to both families. I was born into one, TLW into the other, but when we chose each other, we chose our respective families as well. Our children were born into both. In a sense, families are organizations, and we belong to two which overlap with us. You don’t choose to be born into your birth family, but you do have to choose to remain in it.
I also choose to belong to my work organization, several professional organizations, a local social club, and a few internet-based groups. Some of these organizations carry greater weight for my identity, but they all overlap with me sitting at the point of overlap. They layer over each other on me, continuously shaping who I am. Indeed, we are all shaped continuously by the things we let into our life, people especially. While it is not perfectly true that “you are the average of the five people you surround yourself with” as the saying goes, I think it is more true than we realize in the moment. Choosing who you will surround yourself with is therefore an important decision because you are choosing who you will become.
Before TLW and I rolled out onto I-95 on Thanksgiving morning, I headed over to my jiu-jitsu school for a 6 AM practice. The guys in my morning jiu-jitsu class decided they wanted to get together despite, or perhaps because of, the holiday. Normally we start at 5:30, so we all considered the 6 AM start sleeping in. Our chat group is called the 5:30 AM Bruisers. (In case you're not sure who I am in the picture - just look for the old guy who looks like he likes cake.) I was glad to get the work out in, but I think we all thought it was fun to be there on Thanksgiving morning. For me, it was an expression of my gratitude for this group, and for being a part of it. I’ve gone on at length about what the practice of jiu-jitsu means to me, so I won’t go on again here today. What I want to say is this association is of the “thousand other kinds” de Tocqueville references. Each of us is there not only to learn an art, but also to develop our character. To study jiu-jitsu, you work on your body, but you also work on your spirit. You push yourself to endure, to struggle, and to not give up. Tapping out is not giving up, it is just starting over. Surrounding yourself with people who are pushing themselves is a great way to become more of a person who pushes him (her) self. Pushing yourself in a group in pursuit of a goal is also powerful way to create connection.
The attraction to organizations de Tocqueville described is driven in part by specific goals, but in part because we all want to feel a sense of belonging. Connection is part of creating meaning in our lives:
Meaning = Competence x Contribution x Connection
If you are lucky, you get some of each of these from your work. It is unlikely a full and rich life can gain all of its meaning from work, though. I think we greatly benefit from being a part of many organizations and experiencing different connections of different degrees and purposes. The Americans de Tocqueville met in the 19th century who were constantly forming new associations to do things together were seeking to make important contributions, but also to experience connection. They were onto something, those people who lived almost 200 years ago. Working and being with people pursuing goals greater than the self is transformative. Connection is a way of transcending the emptiness of individual existence. Connection with competence and contribution is the key to a worthy life.